shirt sales, get to know you books AND chuck norris

I have read a few articles lately about the phenomenon of our Internet lives being way more perfect than they really are, which is creating a sense of worthlessness in people. (They see someone else's blog or Instagram and get depressed that their house isn't as cute, food as delicious, kids as perfect, or 'hubby' as sexy...) I thought about my life and what appears on the World Wide Webs and was like, “Well, I guess I'm doing okay. My Internet persona is quite accurate — if not slightly more depressing than my actual life.” I think the fact that I have this blog says it all (and if you feel the need to delve more into my life and see that you are doing just great — mosey on over to my other, which is full of self-deprecating stories and delightfully awful childhood photos).

Today is one of those days where I feel like my Internet life is just too real. You see, over the weekend someone asked me to share snippets of my dating life and in the process I naturally Facebook stalked an old first date, only to find out that in the last year he not only found a girl that wanted to go on multiple dates with him — but he got married! What have I done in the last year in regards to finding a backseat companion for my lonely tandem? Well, I have been on dates with a whopping 2 different guys. What can I say? It has been a very busy (nope, just normal) year.

Now on to the date.

As some of you may know, it took me just a tad longer than the usual 4 years to get my (art, nonetheless) degree. Over the past 7 years while acquiring my diploma I had a side business: I would sell BYUSSR shirts (if you are not from the area, it is a joke on the BYU Student Association that affectively does nothing on campus) to whomever contacted me through the Facebook group. Exchanges are done fairly quickly, usually somewhere on campus, and generally I never heard from the people again. Last year however, one of my buys went slightly askew.

I showed up at the art building on campus with the shirt draped over my bag so the buyer could spot me. Once he noticed me, we said about 5 words; I handed him the shirt; and he handed me a few bills. Not 10 feet later I had a text from him, “Thank you, it was nice to meet you.” Being the first ever thank you for my handiwork I appreciated it but thought nothing more.

A few hours later as I was working I got another text, “So my friends would give me a hard time if I had a girls number (even in this circumstance) and didn't ask her out.” After talking to my sister who convinced me to give him a chance I agreed to go out on the coming Friday. The mystery boy was so ecstatic about the date, however, that he forgot to ever ask my name. Finally I sent a text saying, “By the way, my name is Bethany.” to which he replied, “Oh yeah, mine is Dalex.” (His name has obviously been changed because as you will soon read he could quite possibly be the only “Dalex.”)

The week went along normally with a few text messages exchanged:

“Do you have any food allergies?”

“Would you rather watch Harry Potter or go to the comedy show Laugh Out Loud?”

“Where should I pick you up?”

etc.

if i had a photo of me puking it would go next to this. 

Then on Thursday he decided to let me in on the date details. “So I am thinking that we will go fast food shopping at 7 and then go to Laugh Out Loud.” I don't know about you, but I had absolutely zero idea what fast food shopping was and after quizzing a few of my friends I realized that I was not alone. After asking “Dalex” about it he explained that it is where you go to multiple fast food restaurants and order one thing at each until you have had a full meal. Since I am a girl and only need one hamburger I decided it was better just to ask if we could just to go to In and Out and call it good.

Friday night came and I drove myself to campus for a friend's senior recital and told “Dalex” he could pick me up there. For the record, nothing is more awkward than waiting in the campus parking lot for someone to pick you up that you can't identify, let alone their vehicle. He swooped in, and in his car I climbed. After about 10 seconds we both realized that neither of us was hungry so we were both happy to bag (me probably more than him) the idea of “fast food shopping.” Now with dinner out of the way we had more time to kill with the Q-and-A that accompanies all first dates.

As we drove around the side of campus he squeamishly looked at me and declared, “Oh no, I forgot my book of questions to ask people when I first meet them...” Assuring him that we would be OK winging conversation he froze and said quite abruptly, “So why did you say yes?!” Naturally I answered with the truth: “Because my sister told me I had to.” The conversation stayed about this epic for the next 10 minutes as we parked the car and wandered around campus until we got to the student center where we found some couches to sit on. He naturally sat at a table a good 7 feet from me so that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable (or was it more uncomfortable?).

“Oh no, I forgot my book of pictures to show you who I am. That would be faster than if I try to tell you. It was something we did on the mission. A lot of people thought it was creepy, but I really liked it.” This sparked him to bring out his Kindle, which had many of his Facebook photos (which I had obviously already stalked since his name was so unique). They mostly revolved around his love of Asia (how he kind of thinks of himself as Korean since he lived there two years...) and his massive tie collection. He then made some comment about how I could have Facebook stalked him since he is the only “Dalex” on Facebook. This finally gave me reason to ask about his unusual name.

“Well my name is David Alex and my dad's name is David so naturally I went by Alex. This got to be a problem when my teachers would always call me by the wrong name on the first day of school, so my mom had my name changed to D. Alex in the school directory. When I got to high school there were too many Alexes in band, so they started calling me ‘Dalex.’ I was way cooler in high school than junior high, so I decided to keep it for college."

Solid argument there.

Our conversation then migrated to how he was wearing a “Chuck Norris is a Cougar Fan” T-shirt and he hoped I wasn't offended since he didn't buy it from me. I reassured him that I only sell the one shirt so all is fine. I am not one to dwell on people's appearances, but I did find it odd that when he met me I was wearing a fitted dress coat with skinny jeans and 4-inch heels and for our date he was trying to impress me with a T-shirt tucked into his jeans with a pleather jacket and one of those tiny drawstring bags--that mostly football players use for their shoes--covered in pins. I guess this is a clear example of opposites attract.

After he made the fatal flaw of asking me about BYU housing (he was an RA for Freshmen housing) and hearing my disdain for the system we decided it was a good time to go over to the show.

By the time the comedy show was over it was after 10 and our date had been going for a solid 3 hours.  On the way to the car he started talking about how we should get food. There was no argument from me that he couldn't skirt around.

“Oh well I guess if you are like, This guy is creeping me out!” then I could take you home.”

If you are a boy know that this is the WORST sentence you can say on a first date. Suddenly if I said I was ready to go home because I was exhausted he would take it as me saying he is a creep, and if I said I wanted to eat I was giving false hope that I wanted this to go somewhere.

To stay on the safe side (and since he was anything but creepy; he was very nice —just a bit awkward) I said we could go grab something quick. He suggested a close yogurt shop that I had never been to before. However, upon arriving at said shop I realized I had been there, just another location.

yes, i am smart.

if college only taught me one thing it wasn't how to create

art or give a speech but rather how to avoid

giving boys my address.

Dalex: “Oh, so its not new and exciting, we don't need to go here.”

Me: “If you want yogurt we can go, its fine. I like the one I have been to.”

Dalex: “I'm lactose intolerant.”

I guess he was okay with just watching me eat yogurt???

After skipping the non-exciting yogurt shop he started aimless driving around south Provo. “Do you need to go to Wal-Mart?” he queried. “Do you need to go to any other stores?” After reassuring him that I had all my shopping done and would not need anything before Sunday I asked him to drop me off back on campus, to which he replied:

“Oh, that was smart of you to have me pick you up on campus so I don't know where you live in case I turned out to be creepy!”

And with that i drove myself home.

no tacos, just the bell.

eat a cookie take a lookie

It was a sunday night like any other, and in Provo that seems to mean only one thing--everyone begrudgingly goes to Ward Prayer (a group of single young adults from the church get together supposedly to pray but we all know it is to eat and flirt, or munch and mingle, or eat-a-cookie take-a-lookie) to get their flirt on with all the new hott things in the area.  There i was, just sitting on the edge of the couch when i got trapped in a dating conversation:

Man: "how should i ask girls out? I mean, my roommate meets girls on campus and interacts with them for 20 seconds, finds out their name and adds them on Facebook. Should i try that?"

well your roommate is a drop dead gorgeous and charismatic, EVERYONE wants to be more than facebook friends with him...

Bethany: "Well i think works well for him but i think you should talk to them and feel out the situation. Some girls find that too forward or kinda creepy. I would get to know them and then call them if you want to ask them out."

is it odd that his facial expression reminded me of a muppet? THEY CAN'T EVEN MOVE THEIR EYE BROWS!

Man: "ooo, OOO." while moving his eye brows up and down like i have only seen muppets do

---approximately 20 hours later---

Bethany: "hello?"

Man: "hello Bethany, i was calling to see if you wanted to go to World of Dance this Friday night."

Bethany: "sure, that should be fun."

Man: "That's great. I left my car in Canada so i need to figure out how we are going to get there---"

Bethany: "I have a car and can drive."

Man: "--but i will let you know about the details later. Good bye"

Bethany: "Okay, I'll talk to you later."

---three days later---

Man: "I'm just calling to confirm our plans for tomorrow night."

Bethany: "yeah, I am still planning on coming."

Man: "Great, where would you like to meet?"

well, we live at the same complex about a mile and a half from campus, probably at one of our places...

Bethany: "Wherever works best for you will probably be fine."

Man: "Well i generally like to meet people by the Taco Bell in the Wilkenson Center (on campus)."

Bethany: "Alight, I will see you there at seven."

campus was about this alive on that friday night.

And with that, I drove to campus to get some homework done before my hott date. As seven approached, i wandered over to the CougarEat (but i prefer you pronounce it the Cougareat, COO GARE EE ET) to wait by the beloved Taco Bell. At seven on the nose Man came skip stepping down the hallway, paused in front of the Taco Bell and me, and gave me a big "Hello!" as he raised his long arm for a high five. After the loud smack of our hands faded into the empty halls of campus, we wandered off into the biting cold to walk to the other end of the campus for the World of Dance without any tacos. I had no idea that you could meet at an eatery and not eat.

i like food this much. no food on a date makes me thiiiiiiiis sad. or hangry

The conversation was typical of any first date where you hardly know the other person: where are you from? why is your car in Canada still? what is your major? how many siblings do you have? did you work at a spice factory too? you know, the basics (we mostly talked about school and how his job in high school--i think--was at a spice factory and it made his car smell like Paprika for months).

We then sat down for the performance and naturally didn't talk or touch for the next hour and half.

On our walk to the lobby,

Man: "well, i guess now is the time when i call up my (drop dead gorgeous) roommate and try to convince him to come pick us up."

Bethany: "I parked over there by the Wilk..."

Man: "why do you always ride the bus then? I thought you didn't have a car"

i've never seen you on the bus...

Bethany: "I just like that i don't have to park or scrape snow off the bus."

you know the only thing that is cute wearing a backpack? a baby.

The walk was quick, quiet, and cold. Then, about ten steps from that awkward goodbye scene that all (okay most) first dates have he decided to get it over as quick as ripping off a infused-to-your skin bandaid;

Man--with his back towards me and his body already two steps into the crosswalk away from the parking lot: "well, i think i'm just going to go back inside and study some more, see you later!"

And with a giant wave of his hand and his quick good-bye he was off on a quest for academic excellence.

Did i mention he wore his backpack the entire date?

oh, i didn't?

well, he most certainly did.

I drove myself home, but first by some fast food since meeting at Taco Bell obviously doesn't guarantee you a taco...


and for a little update, facebook tells me that he is very happily married.

"would it be okay if i smelled you?"

Welcome one and all to the wonderfully awkward world of dating. 

As you might have noticed from the photo above, I am notorious for my awkward dates (can I also mention how hilarious I think it is that they made the font twice as large on mine as the other peoples' statements? bahaha). Over the past--almost--decade of dating, there has been a reoccurring theme: unusual methods of flirting followed by unusual outings on the town ending with those fabulously awkward three quarter hugs (you know the type, you give them the benefit of the doubt about hugging and go in for the normal full frontal hug and they give you a timid side hug/pat on the back...).

But, I can't get down about my dating history, it might not be stellar and I might not be close to marriage, but at least my friends and I have gotten a few good chuckles. 

I don't want to give away too many stories too early--the better (or is it worse?) dates will get their own posts--but let's just say that I have had the following things happen: 

*I have been thrown in a pond and pool fully clothed as a way of flirting--by the same boy none-the-less. 

*Instead of having a date pick me up at our mutual apartment complex, he had me meet him in front of the Taco Bell on campus; he said it is where he 'normally likes to meet people.' 

*I have eaten spaghetti covered in cheddar cheese with a set of twins at their house (standing, not sitting at the table) before one of them took me on the rest of our date; I still can't tell them apart.

*I walked over three miles barefoot on a river trail through sludge and over one passed-out bum as part of a date. 

*While walking to my car to drive a date and myself home, he abruptly decided that he would rather stay and study some of those text books he lugged around in a backpack our entire date.

*The first words out of blind date's mouth were: 'oh no, I forgot my book of questions to ask people when I first meet them.' Ten minutes later he said 'oh no, I forgot my book of photos to show you who I am faster than telling you...'

*Had a boy accost me at every chance meeting asking if he could smell me. He once said, 'you smell so good, you smell just like my grandmother's house' (For the record, I DO NOT smell like an old lady).

and there are more. so many more. 

To read the stories in their entirety, wander on back to the good old blog. 

and even better than reading my stories, submit your own by emailing them to jane.bethany@gmail.com, perhaps you too can make the Tandem Hall of Fame.

(which is my blog, there is no real hall of fame, but there is a backseat to my tandem if you happen to be a sauve boy would like to sweep me off my feet...).

i'm glad at least one of my encounters was caught on film damn those two girls for helping such a man squash me in a foot of stagnate water (and for the record, i drove home in my underpants because my clothes were so cold. I had to sit in my driveway until none of my neighbors were in sight before i dashed in the house, wet undies and all...)